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Today was Valentine’s Day and I was honestly quite happy to be single, I didn’t think anything significant about today but as I’m writing this my heart feels a certain way. When I woke up this morning I just immediately thought of my ex and sent her a kiss emoji, she answered “Happy Valentine’s Day -insert name-“. I called her shortly thereafter and was initially met with skepticism, she acknowledged the barriers she has up to protect herself.  I’ve regrettably caused my ex a great deal of heartache and pain, a combination of me being untruthful and just not being in a good place mentally. I was lost when she found me, but I found myself after causing too much irreparable damage.  

Everyone at the new lodge is super nice and although my ex assumed I had quickly moved on, I really haven’t. I haven’t been pursuing anyone like I normally would, for several reasons. My ex wouldn’t believe most of the reasons and that’s what happens when you break someone’s trust, you can spend a lifetime trying to earn it back, but you’ll never be in the same position you initially were (at least in my opinion I hold this to be true).

I got the girl’s number who I like here at the new lodge, she’s really cute and says what she’s thinking in an adorable innocent way. I vibe with her but also don’t know her intimately and am hesitant to even pursue it given that we are only here for a short period of time. I’m single and have been for a bit – I’ve greatly enjoyed it and as much as I would prefer to make plans with someone else, I think my life will greatly benefit from focusing on myself for the foreseeable future.

I wasn’t the man my ex deserved and honestly, she didn’t meet my needs at times because she wasn’t whole herself. I’m not sure what the future holds for me, I used to fundamentally believe my ex and me would end up together and frankly still think it’s possible. My ex definitely isn’t waiting around for me, that’s not to say I think she’s moved on but I think she has justly forced herself to move on emotionally. I’m a very difficult person to love, I make a lot of bad decisions and have been a mess a lot of my life.

All I can do is continue to try my best and live by the principles I have decided will yield me the most fulfilling life. Tomorrow, next week and ten years from now is too far in the future for me to waste my present moment considering what could be. I’ve grown immensely in the past year and I feel as though I’m growing by the day, growing more disciplined and refining what I really want out of each moment. I don’t want to wake up tired or groggy, I don’t want to spend my time lamenting on a bad decisions… I want to make decisions in these present moments that future me will be proud of. I used to joke around that all this was “future me’s problem” and after cleaning up (I’m still in the process) the mess I made I would prefer to have future me walk into a space that sets him up for success.

This blog, in addition to showing who I really am in comparison to the character in my upcoming novel, is me being fully open. I must always be open and tell the truth, even if it is to my own detriment in the short term, because it is a fundamental step in living the principles I currently have, my personal mission statement and the eventual family mission statement I’ll have.

“Continuous improvement is better than delayed perfection.” Mark Twain