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Nov 18th 2022: Today is Day 1 – I ordered ketamine recently and consumed a month and a half prescription in two days, drank alcohol several times, ate several bags of kratom, did a bunch of whippets and ate some mushroom chocolates. Getting actual time is hard because I really enjoy getting high; I’ve been doing it from a young age and I feel more like myself when I’m high. I’m learning to love myself and the world around me in new ways, I want to get sober but this journey has proved far more difficult than I ever could have imagined.
I saw the woman I love this past weekend and have twice since my last post, impulsively using my dad’s credit card the first time to uber to her. My dad was leaving the following morning for a trip and needless to say he was upset, I don’t regret going to see my love. I had a nice weekend but got high with my brother and when directly asked I lied to the woman I love. I was given several chances to come clean but I didn’t until I went back to my brothers and got high again. I deeply regret lying and not being honest from the get go. I’ve done a lot of things in my life that I regret and lying has been a foundational element of that.
Being in NYC is incredibly difficult; there is smoke shop on every corner and people getting fucked up everywhere. When I was with my brother he kept offering me his weed pen, I kept declining but he kept offering, I eventually said yes. Walking by a smoke shop repeatedly is something I have control over and despite the people I care for living in the city I can’t be there right now.
Every time I go on a bender it takes longer to recover and my brain currently feels like there’s a fork in it. My sense of balance and coordination is greatly affected and I find myself a bit unstable, it slowly get’s better as the days go on. I’m sober though and I have no intention of using today, today I want to be sober. Today is day 1 and that’s okay, hopefully November 18th is a day I’ll remember forever. Today I have my sobriety and it is a blessing.
Nov 22nd 2022: Well today is the 22nd now and I’m still on day 1, I keep drinking and if I’m being honest I would love to get high if it was possible. I have a long ways to go and I am very much still working on step 1.
On a positive note I now have a book for sale on Barnes and Nobles, it is a small piece I wrote when I was in college and I felt it was necessary to publish as I work on my greater novel. Here is the link: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/jazz-journey-to-30/1142589809?ean=9798823138321
The book will only be for sale for a short period of time and the cover was done by a famous Brooklyn street artist, I hope you enjoy it.